About August 7 2018

You were gone before I could say goodbye

Broken promises and regret filled the space you once had

I don’t know how to move on from this

Was it not just yesterday that we made that we made plans for the future?

What does she mean you’re gone

I spoke to you and everything was okay

I spoke to you and you were still here

Still full of life and love

What happened to make you leave so soon

You were my soul sister—

A piece of a piece of you

But now there’s only the loss of you

A constant heaviness sitting on my chest


I miss you so much it hurts

I miss you so much that it feels as if

I’ll never get back to being okay

But you’re dead

I said it

I admit it

I admit it takes me sometime to remember

You’re everywhere and nowhere all at once

Sometimes I see your face in places it doesn’t belong

But you’re dead

There I said it


I think of you in the depths of your despair

I think of you deciding that this was just too much

I think of the noose around your neck

I feel it on mine

Like a reminder of what could have been

I think of you and the all too familiar loneliness

I think of you when I listen to our favourite songs

I think of you when I find a new lover

I think of you in my depression


I admit that I want you here

That you should have never left

I tell myself over and over and over again

You’re dead

I feel it in my soul now

The weight of your loss

The heaviness of the fact


For months after she tells me you’re gone

For the weeks following the news of your death

I shut myself in and cry like a baby

I let the tears fall

I scream my grief and anger at God and at the world

I play our last conversation over in my mind

Recall that you said we’d see each other soon

I spend the day of your funeral watching others grieve

I watch the video of your funeral and cry for hours

I create a mantra whispering your name in agony

I remember leaving before saying goodbye

Now you’ve left without saying goodbye.


he said I was the only cockroach in his cupboard

I fucked him in ways he could not recover from

taught him how to choke without failing

gave him pieces of myself embedded in the scratches

a secret message to the next one he wants to keep

I carved out my name in the most intimate parts of him

sprinkled it with glitter and sequins and called it love

so we would forget that this body was not mine or his
for it belonged to the man who saw the ripe tree first
and plucked all its fruits but the bitter looking ones
now I shove them down his lubricated throat
hoping to see them bloom in his nurturing bosom
I remind myself that this is the last one I will ruin
so I would not forget that his body wasn’t mine

Let go

Let go of the past

Not only because it is dragging you down

But also because there’s so much more to life

Than broken memories and secret pains

There is the joy of love

And there is hope

And living in the present isn’t as bad as you think

It is okay to feel

It is okay to be overwhelmed

As long as you don’t forget to breathe

You’ll be fine

So let go of the past

And don’t be afraid of the future

The unknown isn’t always scary

And whenever you feel like you can’t do this

Remember that you are loved,




I met her winter of 2013

Clueless and lonely

she walked me home in the cold

met mom and dad and decided

it was worth giving me a shot


Every weekday was filled

with the joy of her

Laughing and singing off key

playing stupid card games in the cafeteria

bonding over the ridiculous things our parents do


I wanted to be like her


I saw it in the way that she spoke

the way she moved

the way she could command the room

with a single word

holding the attention

of both children and adults


I saw it in the way she slapped the boy

who kept making sexist jokes

that was what I was looking for

That unapologetic bravery and strength


Crop tops and ripped jeans

Politics arguments men

Poetry love music and more poetry

and I fell in love


I filled my days with her

made her a goddess of love and strength

everything I needed to hold on to

was all within her soul.

I love you like that

I love you like that

wind swept hair

glowing red cheeks

moonbeam smile


You’re the spring

in the wood of skies

blooming soft petals

where creeks run free


You’re the soft morning

dew settling on my spine

cold and sweet

calm and quiet


I love you like that

soft waterfall

autumn leaves falling

earthy and rich


You’re the scent from

the sweet berries

leading poor unknowing

men astray


You’re the night sky

bewitching with stars

bringing young lovers

together in shared solitude.

To Peregrine

I know you’re scared

Afraid of moving forward

And too terrified of the unknown

But I want you to remember

To stop dwelling on the past

You no longer belong there

I want you to remember

When it feels like your anxiety

Is swallowing you whole

And you’re drowning in your fears

That no matter how bleak

Your life seems at the moment

You can always count

on your family and friends

There is always hope

So be kind to yourself

And remember to laugh

It’s not a sin to want to be loved

So stop pushing love away

When it comes knocking on your door

I hope you remember that you’re worth it

I hope you don’t forget

that you deserve happiness

I wish you joy like no other


P.S : You have a beautiful smile, stop hiding it.