I have decided that I love you

by

I have decided that I love you

I have spent too many days

wishing you were different—

slim waist thick thighs

all curves and endless

succulence

all the things you never were

and never would be

taunting me

I have spent way too long

reaching for—

 

I’ve decide that I love you

just like that

no more thinking about it

and never quite doing it

no more of that bullshit

story I tell my friends

when they ask about you

there is nothing complicated

about it anymore

I have decided that I love you

just like that.

Never Mine

by

When you left that day

The snow started falling

Softly at first

Like the tears flowing

Down my face

Then hard and fast

Like my heart breaking

As you slammed the door

 

I wanted to run after you

But I was frozen

Not from the cold snow

But from the cold stare

You gave me

Right before you broke me

Even the snow feels warm

Compared to you

 

I don’t know why I stayed

You were never mine

You never would be

You were always like the moon

And I the sun

Our love could only bloom

But for a moment

Under the eclipse.

There’s a beast in my belly

by

There’s a beast in my belly.

Some nights he lays dormant

On others, I can hear him

Screaming

To be let out

 

There’s a beast in my belly,

Trying to eat me inside out.

He hungers for more,

Than I can possibly give.

 

There’s a beast in my belly

Performing the dance of death.

Stomping

To the beat of chaos,

Making a mush of my organs.

 

There’s a beast in my belly.

Untamed and unforgiving

He never heads

My soothing words

 

There’s a beast in my belly

And he hungers for more,

Than I can ever give.

He’s already taken it all.

 

There’s a beast in my belly

And you’re still unaware

Of how many times

He has tried to eat you

Whole.

 

 

 

I dreamt of you again

by

I dreamt of you again

I thought I had forgotten

the bitter taste of heartache

then you were here again

 

When she told me you never left

I swore you did

because there was no space

for you here

not anymore

there is no space

for you here

 

but you keep coming back

now that it is all gone

and the flowers have withered away

and the vines are full of thorns

I’m afraid of going back—

 

how can you still be here

after all this time

how can you still be here

when I want you out

out of me

 

I screamed you out

I cried you out

I did all I could

to remove the memories

why does she still see you

when she looks at me

tell me why you’re still here

 

I dreamt of you again

I still hear the ricochet

of your bullets or words

or whatever you fed me that night

I can still hear the shadows laughing

I still feel their cruel hands

grasping at my throat—

 

September brought you again

and I had already forgotten

the way your eyes

found the intimate parts of me

effortlessly

the way your hands could hold me

without being there

the way my heart recognised you

before my eyes did

 

yet I still wanted you out

I still want you out

last night was the same

reaching for you

again and again

never ending

never ceasing

I couldn’t have you

but my heart didn’t know that

 

I can’t have you

but my heart doesn’t know that

there’s no room for you here

there is no room for you here—

 

How many more nights

will you leave me

gasping for you

yearning for you

how many more nights

will you visit my dreams

without permission

and leave me a wreck

for tomorrow to find-–

I’ve mourned for you

prayed for you

starved my soul for you

so why does the ghost of your love

still haunt my dreams

there’s no room for you here

so why do you keep coming back

 

aren’t you tired of it

aren’t you tired of bleeding

there’s no room for you here

why do you keep coming back

why do I keep coming back

why can’t I stop coming back

(to you)

Balderdash

by

I am something nobody knows.

A very special way of speaking.

It is the name of a game.

A game in which seven people run

through the dark being chased

by another person,

or all the bad shit they thought

would not catch up to them.

A name for an advanced poet.

A type of poetry which give you chills

on a scorching summer night.

Our poet girl always says

that the art of fine dining

and breathing is nonsense.

She always criticises and punishes everyone,

for letting her enslaved words run away.

Elle est une vraie garce.

I do not even know her name,

but I heard she is the queen of Mars

or somewhere equally as cold—

I was wrapping the package

when I saw her shabby horrendous face.

I almost ran without my legs!

can you imagine that?

Well I can because it is total nonsense,

and I saw Nonsense yesterday.

He was like an improvement

which was not meant to be made.

 

I wanted to run away again, but then

I remembered that I left my legs

in the package.

Now the Mars queen will die

comme une vraie garce,

and Nonsense will become king.

Black Sheets

by

Black sheets drowning

turning drowning

her belly wide open

swallowing whole

full cycles

soapy dirty water

soapy clean fresh

felt like hands

touching dirty

dirty hands grabbing

soulless spines cracking

slapping

is that mine or yours?

 

Black sheets

or black skies

or black hands

grabbing groping

is that me or you

who asked Joe

is that me or him

sleep gently softly

is that me or you

her room or mine

or his or someone

hands reaching

black sheets

or black hearts

or black black

back again

more each time

soul leaving body

each time

mind crumbling drowning

is it you or me or us

or your hands touching

fruits rotting

food untouched

s  t  o  m  a  c  h   w  i  d  e   o  p  e  n

mouthclosed

hands touching

mine mine mine

or yours or mine

or his his again

and again and

is it you or me

or him and—

clothes hanging out

the backyard

my hands or his or ours

folding washing

hanging washing

wash off

my skin or sin

or his or ours

and was it you or me

or do you remember

when he came to visit

eyes wide

full of something

was it life

lust greed life—

 

I’m here again

her gurgling moaning

trapped in her belly

so full full

empty like last

whenever your hands

touched stole

pieces of pieces

of pieces kept

never mine or yours

or was it last whenever he you I—

is this yours or mine?

Ananse

by

I

“Asem mpe nipa, nipa ne pe asem”

When Meme says this

At the end of her anasesem

I can’t help but feel

Like I am the same Ananse

Everyone warns their grandchildren about

 

When I hear of his greed

I think of my own

Buried deep underneath

The facade of indifference

As if I am incapable

Of wanting

More than I deserve

 

When I hear of his many faces

I think of my own

 

To Meme and Maa

I am the little girl they watched

Grow up

Underneath their strong wings

The same ones they thought would keep me

From the evils of the world

The kind little girl

With an obnoxious yet lovable laugh

 

To Akosua and Freddie

I am the big sister

Who closes the door of her heart

In their young faces

When she thinks they won’t notice

But they do, they always do

 

To Opo and Achia

I am their brave and strong cousin

Who would waste no time

Fighting for anyone of them

 

To Adwoa

I am unknown

A book she has read

So many times

But still cannot understand

 

II

When Meme says

“Asem mpe nipa, nipa ne pe asem”

I think of the times

I found myself looking for trouble

With my shorts and tanks

And my barely developed breasts

Enticing men old enough

to be called my fathers

 

I guess little girls being little girls

Equals an invitation they didn’t send

 

I want to be like Ananse

I want to be the greedy man

The one that takes what he was never given

I want to be like Ananse

Multiple hands touching

Souls meant to be left clean and pure

Leaving years’ worth of damage

The naked eyes cannot see

 

I want to be like Ananse

Appearing to you in so many forms

I get lost within your mind

Till you begin to see me in your brothers

And sisters and cousins and friends

And all the ones in between

Even the ones you thought you were

Untouchable to

 

I want to be like Ananse

So I can hide my true intent

Behind my wit and cunning

Leaving you confused

Every time I visit

 

 

Notes:

“Asem mpe nipa, nipa ne pe asem” – Trouble seeks no man, it is man who seeks trouble

Anansesem – Ananse stories

All the butterflies died

by

All the butterflies died

when you said you couldn’t

put all your eggs in one basket

as if you even understood

the fragility of those eggs

or my heart

 

and you never even cared to ask

if it was okay

was it okay

did you not see the tears from the ache?

and how could you say it so simply

and not see it at all

what does it mean to me

to see that you’re no longer him

or never was—

 

I made you up

a perfect love

untouchable by reality

as if I wasn’t inspired by years of loneliness

and didn’t know what heartbreak sounded like

like the fall didn’t hurt

like the rise didn’t break my bones and soul

and why didn’t you ask me

 

I kept all my eggs in your basket

and you broke every single piece

but the one already hatching

what did you do to her?

where did she go?

 

last summer I dreamt of a life I wanted

but couldn’t have

her smile so bright and full

it hurt to look at her

and I wondered

could I wear that face

and say that it was truly mine

she with him and the happiness

and the sheer power of it—

could I be her again

was she ever me?

 

and why did it feel so good

pure bliss

yet that heart couldn’t hold mine

and his body could never hold mine

my hands could never hold him—

 

I forgot why it hurt when I woke up

remnants of the dream still playing in my mind

her smile my smile

all the same

why didn’t you ask me?

when you knew I wanted to tell

how could you see that

and remain unreachable

did she take all you could give

are you still hollow

hollowed out

from never having

always giving

 

I was so sure it was you

so sure it was safe

so sure

I could feel it before I had it—

you didn’t give me anything

I didn’t couldn’t have it

 

September brought you again

yet you wouldn’t let me have you

just a piece

a tiny little thing is all I wanted

and yet you wouldn’t let me have it—

now the monarch has left

and each glance reminds me

of the emptiness

I try to fill with food

and earth and flowers

and they still won’t come back

 

I want them back

I want it back

I want them back

could I just have a piece?

Sorti de l’ombre

by

J’suis encore là
Caché comme un secret
J’peux pas malgré tout
Sortir de l’ombre

J’étouffe sous la souffrance
—C’est un truc qui tue
Ce sentiment de se noyer

Mais j’connais ce sentiment
Il m’a toujours connu aussi

Sorti de l’ombre

by

J’suis encore là
Caché comme un secret
J’peux pas malgré tout
Sortir de l’ombre

J’étouffe sous la souffrance
—C’est un truc qui tue
Ce sentiment de se noyer

Mais j’connais ce sentiment
Il m’a toujours connu aussi

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