Relationships – Two Hundred Years of Solitude

I dreamt of you again

I thought I had forgotten

the bitter taste of heartache

then you were here again

When she told me you never left

I swore you did

because there was no space

for you here

not anymore

there is no space

for you here

but you keep coming back

now that it is all gone

and the flowers have withered away

and the vines are full of thorns

I’m afraid of going back—

how can you still be here

after all this time

how can you still be here

when I want you out

out of me

I screamed you out

I cried you out

I did all I could

to remove the memories

why does she still see you

when she looks at me

tell me why you’re still here

I dreamt of you again

I still hear the ricochet

of your bullets or words

or whatever you fed me that night

I can still hear the shadows laughing

I still feel their cruel hands

grasping at my throat—

September brought you again

and I had already forgotten

the way your eyes

found the intimate parts of me

effortlessly

the way your hands could hold me

without being there

the way my heart recognised you

before my eyes did

yet I still wanted you out

I still want you out

last night was the same

reaching for you

again and again

never ending

never ceasing

I couldn’t have you

but my heart didn’t know that

I can’t have you

but my heart doesn’t know that

there’s no room for you here

there is no room for you here—

How many more nights

will you leave me

gasping for you

yearning for you

how many more nights

will you visit my dreams

without permission

and leave me a wreck

for tomorrow to find-–

I’ve mourned for you

prayed for you

starved my soul for you

so why does the ghost of your love

still haunt my dreams

there’s no room for you here

so why do you keep coming back

aren’t you tired of it

aren’t you tired of bleeding

there’s no room for you here

why do you keep coming back

why do I keep coming back

why can’t I stop coming back

(to you)

All the butterflies died

when you said you couldn’t

put all your eggs in one basket

as if you even understood

the fragility of those eggs

or my heart

and you never even cared to ask

if it was okay

was it okay

did you not see the tears from the ache?

and how could you say it so simply

and not see it at all

what does it mean to me

to see that you’re no longer him

or never was—

I made you up

a perfect love

untouchable by reality

as if I wasn’t inspired by years of loneliness

and didn’t know what heartbreak sounded like

like the fall didn’t hurt

like the rise didn’t break my bones and soul

and why didn’t you ask me

I kept all my eggs in your basket

and you broke every single piece

but the one already hatching

what did you do to her?

where did she go?

last summer I dreamt of a life I wanted

but couldn’t have

her smile so bright and full

it hurt to look at her

and I wondered

could I wear that face

and say that it was truly mine

she with him and the happiness

and the sheer power of it—

could I be her again

was she ever me?

and why did it feel so good

pure bliss

yet that heart couldn’t hold mine

and his body could never hold mine

my hands could never hold him—

I forgot why it hurt when I woke up

remnants of the dream still playing in my mind

her smile my smile

all the same

why didn’t you ask me?

when you knew I wanted to tell

how could you see that

and remain unreachable

did she take all you could give

are you still hollow

hollowed out

from never having

always giving

I was so sure it was you

so sure it was safe

so sure

I could feel it before I had it—

you didn’t give me anything

I didn’t couldn’t have it

September brought you again

yet you wouldn’t let me have you

just a piece

a tiny little thing is all I wanted

and yet you wouldn’t let me have it—

now the monarch has left

and each glance reminds me

of the emptiness

I try to fill with food

and earth and flowers

and they still won’t come back

I want them back

I want it back

I want them back

could I just have a piece?