Two Hundred Years of Solitude

I want to talk about you
And how your actions
Have turned me inside out
I had just learned how to survive
Then you walked right in
And took it away without a thought

Sometimes I wonder
Why it feels so cloudy in my mind
It seems I still can’t grasp it
I think of it over and over and—
I am still trying to understand

How you could be so vicious
To take what I would not give

I once gave myself to a man
I found myself drowning
In the sweet honey of his words
I swallowed each saccharine drop
Blinded by the taste of his heavy syrup
Till I found myself chocking and gasping
Each breath I drew heavy and laden
with the lies he slid down my throat

I was foolish and naive
Found myself lost in the haze of him
Sinking with my heavy dying lungs
Aching out their muffled protests—

There is a part of my soul that is irretreavable
Unreachable to all who try to reach it
The broken mess
Empty and vain
The cold has already settled in
Wrapped it’s icy fingers around its claim
Sometimes I almost believe
I can get it back

You give so much of yourself to people
They don’t know how to handle it
All that care and unfiltered love
They don’t know love like that

You give so much of yourself to people
As if all that hurt and heartbreak never happened
As if you forget that you’ve already lost so much

You give so much of yourself to people
You share pieces of parts already broken
And yet you never fail to leave them full

I still feel you
You’re everywhere
I look at the backyard
And I can still feel the ghost of you
I still feel your warmth deep inside
Each wave of lust a reminder that you belong here
Each clench a reach for that sweet torture

I think of you mid conversations
I think of you when I’m alone
I think of your touch each time I close my eyes

You’re everywhere
All the time
Your fingers forever trailing the curves and dips of this body
The taste of you etched on lips
swollen and bruised from your loving
Yes I still feel you
In the gentle caress of the wind

I feel you when the sun kisses my smiling face
I feel you in the joy of watching the flowers bloom
I feel you when spring comes
I feel you in the heat of warm cocoa and melting marshmallows

In the softest and sweetest of ways I can still feel you here even when you’re gone.

Unlike the baby
swaddled in their mother’s love
Not yet born of sin and knowledge
I have been left bare
with eyes wide open
heart lost to the wolves of this world

It wasn’t my fault
I was lost
long before home
began to feel far
mother
father
sisters
brother
this sea between us
keeps swallowing me whole
each time I try
to return to you
each time I reach out
to bridge this gap
I feel her cold arms
around me

It feels like home now
she feels like home now

I locked my voice away
in a pretty box
stored in the depths
of this overflowing bitter heart
silencing the screams
with delicate morsels
of sugary goodness
so that I forget
that this pain
is here to stay

I watched you
take pieces of me
till the only thing left
was the raw carcass
of what was meant
to be lovable

You stripped away
the wonder and magic
the innocence
untouched and unbridled
and left behind the trail
of your rotten touch
and I the poor mutilated
left behind to pick up the leftovers
could barely find the power
to scream out the loss sitting
so so heavy on my soul

But I let you do this
I let you strip me
of my crown
I let you force my voice away
I let you force me
to fold into myself
till I felt I didn’t deserve
the space I was given
but today

I found the pretty little box
tucked away
today I took back every single piece
you stole from me
today I remembered
that I belonged to me
long before you came to be.

Wow this shit is heavy
It’s burning a hole
through my soul.